Why it comes and goes.

Have you ever been put down? Told you were worthless? That you couldn't do anything?

I have.

I've cried myself to sleep countless nights. It's gotten so hard to keep track of, I just decided to give up on it. Most people who know me think I have everything. I'm always told how beautiful I am...then "the voice" pops up. And it doesn't let me accept the complement. Then as the unconscious morph into the conscious, I realize that the voice takes different forms.

The boys in the hall.

They smile because it's a laughter. Nothing is ever a complement. Just laughter.

The random strangers.

The ones who look down to me (even though I'm 5'2. ;) ).  Their smug looks because they are superior to me. But how can I blame them.  Their eyes go right for my thighs...then slowly make their way up.  

"Dad"

"Dad" is almost 300 pounds.  Always talks about the days he was a star athlete. He was asked to join the NHL but he refused. His idea of funny is insulting and mocking, I'm his target. Especially when I haven't eaten all day, burned 500 calories at the gym and feel i should eat a 100 calories chocolate muffin (VitaTops). He asks why I make myself fat with those after I just worked out. His exact words. 

"Mom"

Well who can blame her? 5'3, 105 pounds, 47 years old, marathon runner. Can you see my problem? We're going to LA in July. Even a 100 calorie snack is too much for her. Her explanation? We're going to LA! We have to look the part Nikki!

Why can't I get one person to care. Just one. All I need is one person and I'll be happy. But no one ever does.

Sometimes I think everyone would be better off if I was dead...then no one would have to care.