Sorry...

You know... I go through these fazes where I think I can actually survive with the way I look and jsut breathe.  But obviously that is not an option so I'm back.  For good, or until someone finds my blog. Some days I'm happier than others.  I look in the mirror and I see old beauty, something unique that you don't see in society anymore.  Than others I truely see myself; fat. I know it's awful to say but how can I not? My thighs hold each other whenever I move or sit still.  My arms feel like pizza dough. My chin is growing a twin and people think its because of the faces I make with my friends.  My stomach expands to the point people think I'm pregnant.

Do you know what it’s like to feel unwanted and unloved? Do you know what it’s like to be haunted by the thoughts that the people around you would do much better if you don’t exist? Do you know what it’s like to hate yourself so much you feel like ripping your own skin? Do you know what it’s like to feel so ugly and unbeautiful that you feel no one deserves to see you? Do you know what it’s like to feel so worthless you’re afraid of having close relationships with others? Do you know what it’s like to feel so fat you have to stop yourself from reaching to the knife and cut the fat off your bones? Do you know what it’s like to step on the scale one morning and feel like dying when you see the numbers? Do you know what it’s like when the seams of your pants, skirts and shorts burst when you try them on? Do you know what it’s like to wish you were never born? Do you?


It's hard, feeling like no one cares.  Especially when they've told you they don't.  My dad wants me to see a psychologist...I'm not going to go. 

An Actual Entry

Hello world!
I've decided to do an actual "diary entry" today. So today I woke up and had some green tea and a bagel to start my metabolism. Then my sister decided to make cupcakes. My favourite ones. :| I had no idea what to do so I panicked when she offered me one and took it! Then I couldn't stop! She watched and just smiled. 
The thing with me and my sister is that we used to have competitions on who could lose the most weight in one week! I always won but that's besides the point. ;)

Anyways to stop I started playing Sims 2. (p.s. why did an old man come in and smack my Sims Mother?). It worked and I had to go to work at 1:30. I work at a supermarket and that isn't very good support. But I am now aware that at this store you do not check what you buy. They could care less. So there is another store in the area that I am biking to tomorrow after school. I'm still trying to decide which one I want. I posted it on yahoo answers. Yes I am that cool. :)
I have a math test tomorrow and I studied for the first time. I really need to get my marks up if I want to go to med school. Yes. I want to become a Psychiatrist. Yes. Me. The one with all the problems. But I am better at helping other people than I am at helping myself.  So I will update when I find out my mark. And my parents are totally oblivious to me.
I got my hair done yesterday and my mom paid and when she told me the price I said, "Thank you mom." And she didn't answer. She got mad at me for nothing and said I could at least say thank you. And I got mad because I did. You probably think this is some little thing. But for me it isn't.  I need to know that what I say and feel matters and in my house I don't feel that at all. I feel like I'm just there to do things. That when it really comes down to it, I don't matter.
Well...this went from a "diary entry" to a depressing breakdown. Why does that always happen??

Angels

Do you believe in angels?
I feel like I've lost my guiding light and no one is there to guide my way, I am lost. The feeling of being lost is like being in a forest of giant sequoia trees that reach to the sky. It's heartbreaking and relieving at the same time. For one, you are all alone and have no one to reach out to, but you are around some of the strongest and most powerful trees. They are there when you have walked to far and need something, or someone, to lean on.
Have you ever seen an angel?
I wish very much that I was an angel, not dead but have the qualities of an angel. According to dictionary.com, an angel is a person having qualities generally attributed to an angel, as beauty, purity, or kindliness.

"Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight"
--Angel, Sarah McLachlan 

A Song That Describes Life

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

Call me 
If you need a friend
Call me 
If you need a friend
Call me 
If you really need a friend
Call me 
If you really really really really need a friend
Call me 
If you really need a friend

It's too much to handle.

I'm a junior in high school. Decisions are to be made soon and I am lost. I don't know who I am and therefore cannot choose what I want to do for the rest of my life.
When I had no influence on me, I wanted to be an archaeologist.  What kind of 6 year old wants to be an archaeologist!? No one showed me these ancient civilizations, I was just always drawn to them. I have concluded I am an Old Soul.  Meaning I have had many lives. Let me explain.
No one in my family likes history.  I've been obsessed with it as long as I remember, but I cannot stand Ancient Rome. By second grade, I had memorized the ancient Egyptian alphabet.  I have concluded I was also alive when woman were very formal. ie. long hair, amazing big dresses.  Because of my love for all things girly and my obsession with dresses here and from that time period.  I was at a museum recently and had to remove myself from an exhibit because I was getting too close and was about to cross the line to get the dress. I was online and came to a site where the dresses were being sold. I started hyperventilating and crying. And I can't explain why.


Lastly, if you know me, you can tell I am in the wrong time period. It's just so obvious, especially to me. From the way I look, to the way I speak. I'll show my eyes and you can see I'm different. Who has eyes the colour of green moss and yellow like a summers day?  Can you imagine those colours in an eye? The picture never looks like the real thing. That's why I am saving for a professional camera. I feel like I'm not supposed to be here. It is so hard to explain the pain I feel when thinking I'm in 2010. There's this deep pain in the pit of my stomach and I start breathing heavy.

I'm not supposed to be here!

I know I probably sound like a crazy person, but I can't explain my feelings. I just know I want to escape from this time.

Why it comes and goes.

Have you ever been put down? Told you were worthless? That you couldn't do anything?

I have.

I've cried myself to sleep countless nights. It's gotten so hard to keep track of, I just decided to give up on it. Most people who know me think I have everything. I'm always told how beautiful I am...then "the voice" pops up. And it doesn't let me accept the complement. Then as the unconscious morph into the conscious, I realize that the voice takes different forms.

The boys in the hall.

They smile because it's a laughter. Nothing is ever a complement. Just laughter.

The random strangers.

The ones who look down to me (even though I'm 5'2. ;) ).  Their smug looks because they are superior to me. But how can I blame them.  Their eyes go right for my thighs...then slowly make their way up.  

"Dad"

"Dad" is almost 300 pounds.  Always talks about the days he was a star athlete. He was asked to join the NHL but he refused. His idea of funny is insulting and mocking, I'm his target. Especially when I haven't eaten all day, burned 500 calories at the gym and feel i should eat a 100 calories chocolate muffin (VitaTops). He asks why I make myself fat with those after I just worked out. His exact words. 

"Mom"

Well who can blame her? 5'3, 105 pounds, 47 years old, marathon runner. Can you see my problem? We're going to LA in July. Even a 100 calorie snack is too much for her. Her explanation? We're going to LA! We have to look the part Nikki!

Why can't I get one person to care. Just one. All I need is one person and I'll be happy. But no one ever does.

Sometimes I think everyone would be better off if I was dead...then no one would have to care.

Testing out

Hello! I'm testing out this nifty feature. My "mom" just came up telling me she's making bagels after I tell her I've already eaten and have been up since 6:15! Will "mom" ever listen!