Let's call him "Dad".
"Dad" has found ways of ruining my life and making an amazing day one of the worst I have lived. Let's take a baseball game I went to with someone.
Let's call her "Mom".
Everything was going swell (yes...I said swell), until I come home and I'm sent to my room without explanation, because "he can." How many times have you heard that?
"Because I can."
What can I do?
Nothing.
Why?
"Because you can't."
Growing up, this was my life. From "dad" calling me names
Growing up, this was my life. From "dad" calling me names
Stupid
he loved putting me down
Good for nothing
hurting my mom who was too weak to stand up for herself
PATHETIC!
I don't think people realize how much it hurt me. I'm 17 years old now and haven't grown up. I feel like a child, because this is my childhood. Except something
Let's call it "the voice".
is still insulting me. But instead of it being "dad" it's "the voice". "The voice follows me around everywhere. I cannot hide in my closet from it. It knows my deepest secrets and hidden fears, and finds a way to use them to its advantage. When can I escape from "the voice"?
In "the dream".
"The Dream" has been with me for about 1 year. Every couple months "the dream" comes to me. In "the dream" I meet a boy. He never tells me his name and he never looks the same.
How do you know it's the same person?
Every time I have "the dream" I meet him. He has a way of making me forget everything bad. Like I am completely whole again. He drives away "the voice". I cannot describe how amazing that makes me feel. Back to the question; he makes me feel the same, he treats me the same, i feel love, and he touches me with the gentlest of touches. Most importantly
He takes away "the voice".
Everything seems ok with him.
Then I wake up and reality hits.
Last nights dream is the only one I can remember where he actually touched me. I woke up and refused to fall back asleep. I hope somewhere in the world, he's real so that "the voice" will leave forever.
"All my agony fades away
When you hold me in your embrace...."
"All my agony fades away
When you hold me in your embrace...."
This was a well-done post, I daresay. you've really explained a lot.
ReplyDeleteAnd "the dream" makes more sense now...
...I told my shrink that after extremly disordered behavior sometime I would feel like some voice, some really warm pair of arms was supposed to be waiting to hug me. The figure I felt was male and the voice that yelled angriliy at me was female....
...she said it may have been me wanting a healthy relationship with a male.
And that's where this dream of yours steps in. I think we are in the same boat.
This was beautifuy written. You've given a great insight into your mind.
ReplyDelete