Angels

Do you believe in angels?
I feel like I've lost my guiding light and no one is there to guide my way, I am lost. The feeling of being lost is like being in a forest of giant sequoia trees that reach to the sky. It's heartbreaking and relieving at the same time. For one, you are all alone and have no one to reach out to, but you are around some of the strongest and most powerful trees. They are there when you have walked to far and need something, or someone, to lean on.
Have you ever seen an angel?
I wish very much that I was an angel, not dead but have the qualities of an angel. According to dictionary.com, an angel is a person having qualities generally attributed to an angel, as beauty, purity, or kindliness.

"Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight"
--Angel, Sarah McLachlan 

A Song That Describes Life

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

Call me 
If you need a friend
Call me 
If you need a friend
Call me 
If you really need a friend
Call me 
If you really really really really need a friend
Call me 
If you really need a friend

It's too much to handle.

I'm a junior in high school. Decisions are to be made soon and I am lost. I don't know who I am and therefore cannot choose what I want to do for the rest of my life.
When I had no influence on me, I wanted to be an archaeologist.  What kind of 6 year old wants to be an archaeologist!? No one showed me these ancient civilizations, I was just always drawn to them. I have concluded I am an Old Soul.  Meaning I have had many lives. Let me explain.
No one in my family likes history.  I've been obsessed with it as long as I remember, but I cannot stand Ancient Rome. By second grade, I had memorized the ancient Egyptian alphabet.  I have concluded I was also alive when woman were very formal. ie. long hair, amazing big dresses.  Because of my love for all things girly and my obsession with dresses here and from that time period.  I was at a museum recently and had to remove myself from an exhibit because I was getting too close and was about to cross the line to get the dress. I was online and came to a site where the dresses were being sold. I started hyperventilating and crying. And I can't explain why.


Lastly, if you know me, you can tell I am in the wrong time period. It's just so obvious, especially to me. From the way I look, to the way I speak. I'll show my eyes and you can see I'm different. Who has eyes the colour of green moss and yellow like a summers day?  Can you imagine those colours in an eye? The picture never looks like the real thing. That's why I am saving for a professional camera. I feel like I'm not supposed to be here. It is so hard to explain the pain I feel when thinking I'm in 2010. There's this deep pain in the pit of my stomach and I start breathing heavy.

I'm not supposed to be here!

I know I probably sound like a crazy person, but I can't explain my feelings. I just know I want to escape from this time.

Why it comes and goes.

Have you ever been put down? Told you were worthless? That you couldn't do anything?

I have.

I've cried myself to sleep countless nights. It's gotten so hard to keep track of, I just decided to give up on it. Most people who know me think I have everything. I'm always told how beautiful I am...then "the voice" pops up. And it doesn't let me accept the complement. Then as the unconscious morph into the conscious, I realize that the voice takes different forms.

The boys in the hall.

They smile because it's a laughter. Nothing is ever a complement. Just laughter.

The random strangers.

The ones who look down to me (even though I'm 5'2. ;) ).  Their smug looks because they are superior to me. But how can I blame them.  Their eyes go right for my thighs...then slowly make their way up.  

"Dad"

"Dad" is almost 300 pounds.  Always talks about the days he was a star athlete. He was asked to join the NHL but he refused. His idea of funny is insulting and mocking, I'm his target. Especially when I haven't eaten all day, burned 500 calories at the gym and feel i should eat a 100 calories chocolate muffin (VitaTops). He asks why I make myself fat with those after I just worked out. His exact words. 

"Mom"

Well who can blame her? 5'3, 105 pounds, 47 years old, marathon runner. Can you see my problem? We're going to LA in July. Even a 100 calorie snack is too much for her. Her explanation? We're going to LA! We have to look the part Nikki!

Why can't I get one person to care. Just one. All I need is one person and I'll be happy. But no one ever does.

Sometimes I think everyone would be better off if I was dead...then no one would have to care.

Testing out

Hello! I'm testing out this nifty feature. My "mom" just came up telling me she's making bagels after I tell her I've already eaten and have been up since 6:15! Will "mom" ever listen!

Where is he?

If you were me, you would understand that I am far from perfect. I have been a broken mess for as long as I can remember. I blame one person.

Let's call him "Dad".

"Dad" has found ways of ruining my life and making an amazing day one of the worst I have lived. Let's take a baseball game I went to with someone.

Let's call her "Mom".

Everything was going swell (yes...I said swell), until I come home and I'm sent to my room without explanation, because "he can." How many times have you heard that?

"Because I can."

What can I do?

Nothing.

Why?

"Because you can't."

Growing up, this was my life. From "dad" calling me names

Stupid

he loved putting me down

Good for nothing

hurting my mom who was too weak to stand up for herself

PATHETIC!

I don't think people realize how much it hurt me. I'm 17 years old now and haven't grown up. I feel like a child, because this is my childhood. Except something

Let's call it "the voice".

is still insulting me. But instead of it being "dad" it's "the voice". "The voice follows me around everywhere. I cannot hide in my closet from it. It knows my deepest secrets and hidden fears, and finds a way to use them to its advantage. When can I escape from "the voice"?

In "the dream".

"The Dream" has been with me for about 1 year. Every couple months "the dream" comes to me. In "the dream" I meet a boy. He never tells me his name and he never looks the same.

How do you know it's the same person?

Every time I have "the dream" I meet him. He has a way of making me forget everything bad. Like I am completely whole again. He drives away "the voice". I cannot describe how amazing that makes me feel. Back to the question; he makes me feel the same, he treats me the same, i feel love, and he touches me with the gentlest of touches. Most importantly

He takes away "the voice".

Everything seems ok with him.

Then I wake up and reality hits.

Last nights dream is the only one I can remember where he actually touched me. I woke up and refused to fall back asleep. I hope somewhere in the world, he's real so that "the voice" will leave forever.

"All my agony fades away
When you hold me in your embrace...."