Sorry...

You know... I go through these fazes where I think I can actually survive with the way I look and jsut breathe.  But obviously that is not an option so I'm back.  For good, or until someone finds my blog. Some days I'm happier than others.  I look in the mirror and I see old beauty, something unique that you don't see in society anymore.  Than others I truely see myself; fat. I know it's awful to say but how can I not? My thighs hold each other whenever I move or sit still.  My arms feel like pizza dough. My chin is growing a twin and people think its because of the faces I make with my friends.  My stomach expands to the point people think I'm pregnant.

Do you know what it’s like to feel unwanted and unloved? Do you know what it’s like to be haunted by the thoughts that the people around you would do much better if you don’t exist? Do you know what it’s like to hate yourself so much you feel like ripping your own skin? Do you know what it’s like to feel so ugly and unbeautiful that you feel no one deserves to see you? Do you know what it’s like to feel so worthless you’re afraid of having close relationships with others? Do you know what it’s like to feel so fat you have to stop yourself from reaching to the knife and cut the fat off your bones? Do you know what it’s like to step on the scale one morning and feel like dying when you see the numbers? Do you know what it’s like when the seams of your pants, skirts and shorts burst when you try them on? Do you know what it’s like to wish you were never born? Do you?


It's hard, feeling like no one cares.  Especially when they've told you they don't.  My dad wants me to see a psychologist...I'm not going to go.